How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Randomize
