i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
