the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize