you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
