Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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