I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize