she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
