It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
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