In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
