Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
