I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
