I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
