I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Operation Purity has been aborted
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
