We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
