Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
