Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize