Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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