guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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