I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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