i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
