Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
