I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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