Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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