I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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