It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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