I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
