i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
