I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize