Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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