just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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