Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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