I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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