Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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