You smell like a Billy Joel song
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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