wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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