I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
