If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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