You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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