He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
