I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
