dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
