sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
