the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
