I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
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