How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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