i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize
