I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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