My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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