I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
