I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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