my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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