so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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