dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize