I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
