I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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