He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
