need another drink. this is the easiest way
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize