You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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