Got a toothbrush?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
