did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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