I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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