Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm too high and old for this...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
tell me about the fingering
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