Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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