8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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