dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
