Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
