I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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