So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
