i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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