I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
