Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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